Attack of the Killer Spin Off: 90210 to Return
By McGee Noble
Just this morning I read that Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas plans on, wait for it… doing a 90210 spin off. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. This most beautiful piece of high school drama, this grandmammy of trash television, back to our screens once again. I delight in the possibilities:
1. The return of the sideburn. For years I’ve been trying to encourage the sideburn return. Those bushy spectaculars that made Jason Priestley and Luke Perry so attractive and masculine.
2. The return of the mega beeaatch. I was highly disappointed in Gossip Girl’s so called resident be-atch, Blair Waldorf. I mean seriously, her idea of being super bad is locking someone in her mum’s shop for an evening. Where’s the evil in that? Hollyoaks has more potent villainesses.
3. Super betrayals. Again, the ‘oh no you didn’t’ factor has dropped off severely in recent years. Remember the Brenda/Kelly/Dylan love triangle? How could Kelly do it? How could she?
4. Please, please find someone that we love to hate the way we loved to hate Shannon Doherty. The woman is a legend in soap television. Don’t give us blandly likeable actresses, give us Divas who make the rest of the cast quiver in hatred, who go out in a blaze of glorious betrayals and catfights- not in the show but in real life.
5. A new cast of thirty, oops I mean seventeen year olds. For some reason these teen actors can never quite pull off the brooding masculinity of the grown man masquerading as teenager. One Tree Hill? Fuggedaboudit… Dylan would beat them to the ground with one hand still combing his quiff.
It seems our love for reminiscing is bringing other favourites back to our screens. This week a TV movie, precursor to a new TV show, of the Hasselhoff classic Knight Rider aired in the US. Here are some choice reviews that I have seen so far:
“NBC proves they’ve learned nothing from the “Bionic Woman” debacle with this two-hour Ford commercial that was as short on excitement as it was on capturing the feel of the original and the imagination of the audience.”
“They did everything imaginable wrong.”
Ahhh, the sweet smell of failure. NBC really seem to enjoy it. A better remake would be a modern day look at the reality behind the fantasy as K.i.t.t. tries to deal with Michael’s drinking problem. It could go something like this:
Int. Garage. Night
K.i.t.t. is scuffed up and dusty. Michael, now middle aged, lies half naked across the bonnet, eating a burger.
K.I.T.T: see what happens when you drink Michael?
MICHAEL: gruuunnngghhh ( he continues to shove dripping burger into his mouth)
K.I.T.T: don’t drink anymore Michael… They said if you go in drunk again you’d get fired.
MICHAEL: BLEEP you K.i.t.t! (slurred)
K.I.T.T: Don’t I matter to you anymore Michael? Don’t you care about me?
MICHAEL: (mouth full of burger) GuUERAAAGRRERNNNGGGG!!!
K.i.t.t’s red light flashes sadly.
How’s THAT for a modern take on an old classic.