Top 6 Monster Movie Fight-Offs (That Are Crapper Than You’d Think)

March 25, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

From action figures to shadow puppets, every generation has spent countless playground breaks and summertime evenings foretelling legendary battles between some of Imagination-Land’s greatest icons.

Godzilla vs King Kong. Batman vs Spiderman. Sooty vs Sweep (I’m still lobbying for Sue).

So, with Monsters Vs Aliens touching down in cinemas this week, we at OTB decided to rifle through some of the funniest, weirdest and most iconic fictional fight-offs to ever grace film screens….

FREDDY VS. JASON (2003)

The early 21st century saw an onslaught of front-mullet, J-Horror creations squirming their way into the psyche of many a Westerner, and had left America’s greatest Horror icons in serious danger of becoming nothing more than wacky, tacky merchandise generators.

So what better way to re-establish their pant-filling credentials than a classic, geek-abating team-up?

Disclaimer: Photo far scarier than actual film

Disclaimer: Photo far scarier than actual film

If only they’d made it even remotely scary and given fans more than just a couple of naff fight scenes and cop-out ending.

Winner: Jason. Ish.

VAMPIRES VS. ZOMBIES (2004)

Cool title, but crap actual potential.

With production values THIS good, what could go wrong?

With production values THIS good, what could go wrong?

Look at it realistically: the cape-swooshing, lightening-fast creatures of the night would beat the lurching zombies (back) into the ground. It’d be like watching Dwayne Chambers at the Special Olympics.

Thankfully, the movie-makers decided to bypass the entire premise of the film and made sure that at no point in the entire bloody film do they even fight each other. There are a couple of scenes of zombies nom-nom-nom-ing on the group of budget, Daily Sport-style Lesbian Vampires and vice versa, but that’s it.

Watching a hideous creature excessively gorge is not a fight-off. It’s like renaming Silence of the Lambs ‘Lecter Vs The Munchies’.

Or the Oprah Winfrey Show ‘Oprah Vs. Cake’.

Winner: Certainly not the viewers.

THE WEREWOLF VS. VAMPIRE WOMEN (1971)

Why do our heads automatically assume this is going to be a porno starring Teen Wolf’s Michael J Fox and Underworld’s Kate Beckinsale?

Squint and tell me that doesn't look like Teen Wolf

Squint and tell me that doesn't look like Teen Wolf

And even more importantly, why were we disappointed when we found out it wasn’t?

Winner: Our subconscious.

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR (2004)

It’s the day of your wedding to your childhood sweetheart. The family’s arrived, the wine’s a-flowing and your heart is beating out of your chest as you imagine how beautiful your fiancé is going to look. Daydreaming about children, long walks along the beach and romantic getaways, you mindlessly stumble into the bedroom.

And see your other half sticking their tongue down the throat of the Priest.

Who’s 92.

And has no legs.

How would that feel? Whatever you’re imagining (and I’m hoping it’s not arousal), that sucker-punch disappointment still isn’t a patch on 2004’s dream-crushing crossover that saw a bunch of inane cannon fodder stuck in a giant pyramid between two of cinema’s greatest, goriest and most violent horror icons.

And then fight off against each other bound by the Family friendly confines of a 15 certificate.

Sigh.

Winner: Predator/Bastardised mutant freak Alie-dator baby

OUTLANDER (AKA VIKINGS VS. PREDATOR KNOCK-OFF) (2009)

Did you see Beowulf or Braveheart? Now imagine an Alien Jesus plonked into that setting on a one-man mission to demolish an intergalactic monster.

And lo, there be Outlander.

The Passion of the Christ’s Jim Caviezel crashes his spaceship in Norway during the Viking-times and proceeds to unite a horn-hatted take on the 300 as they wage war against a big honking death-monster.

And really, what’s not to love about that?

Winner: Alien Jesus

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)

Ok, it isn’t technically a Versus, but how the hell could we keep this one off the list?

Don't worry - it gets trippier

Don't worry - it gets trippier

This hugely philosophical, thought-provoking family movie saw Martian family Momar, Kimar, Girmar and Bomar’s fight against a noticeably Matrix-y authoritarian planetary rule.

So, taking a course of action that would’ve saved Neo a whole load of grief, they (obviously) decide to kidnap Santa Claus from Earth and bring him to Mars to make toys for their children, thus liberating the masses from a lifetime of constructed conformity.



Brilliantly bonkers.

Winner: St. Nick


Matt Risley

What do you think? Any we’ve missed out? Let us know by leaving a comment below! And if that hasn’t fulfilled your monster movie itch, make sure to check out our reviews of Monsters Vs. Aliens 3D or Lesbian Vampire Killers.

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