The Top Ten Lesbian Movie Kisses
This is a man’s world, so they say. But it would be nothing without women and even less than nothing without lesbians. In celebration of the BFI’s London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival which is on until Wednesday 8th April, we at OntheBox.com are saluting lesbians everywhere, by taking a unique slant on the top ten best onscreen lesbian kisses ever. Ever. EVER.
Hallelujah for hotties and Amen for action - Let’s count from ten down to the eye-poppers at numero uno.
Ooh yeah, Flamenco music, it just creates such an atmosphere doesn’t it? We all start to smell orange groves, develop an insatiable desire to bathe in olive oil and flare our nostrils like a raging bull. And oh, the romance, the passion, it’s impossible not to get caught up in this whirlwind of…hang on a minute, no one mentioned anything about a monobrow…oh no, that’s ruined it for me completely. Ashley Judd, are you mental? If that thing gets too close to your face maybe it will mate with your eyebrows and regurgitate monobrow babies which will all automatically relocate to your top lip.
Just say no.
Just when Kristen Scott Thomas decides to throw caution to the wind and grind up on the frizzy haired diva of the dancefloor (clearly feeling the power of Brian Ferry’s Slave to Love surging through her starved loins), a bloody wave has to come along and interrupt their tantalising lip-lock. Inevitably leading to some tw*t in a Fez sounding off about the Titanic and ruining it for everybody.
Boo to you Fez man, boo to you.
I knew it could never live up to the hype. The thought of Scarlett Johannsson and Penelope Cruz engaging in a vigorous game, set and match of tonsil-tennis is sure to be at the top of every man’s fantasy list (unless you prefer sumo-lipped Angelina) so of course the reality would inevitably disappoint. For all Woody Allen’s red lit, hair stroking, enshrined-in-a-dark-room attempts at high art, this falls flat on its face. But given the absence of a monobrow/ man in a fez, this (hypothetical) little beauty is sitting pretty at number eight.
Current? Check. Controversial? Check. Not to mention the fact that both actresses are all kinds of scrummy. Ok, so I know you can’t see much from this clip, but hopefully it will seduce you to check out this interesting looking indie flick. Shamim Sharif’s film is touring the world as we speak, being out-ed at various film festivals, including the London Lesbian & Gay Film Festival.
We were lucky enough to attend one of the first UK screenings and get an exclusive interview with Shamim Sharif herself. Checkedy check it…
Jessica Stroup is like the hot human version of Bambi. She has come hither eyes to rival the sauciest of minxes, and her dorky attempt at shoe shuffling flirtatiousness accompanied by the equally random “Can I touch your hair?” is sure to break even the most hetero woman in town into a splurge of love goo. Ok so they are both a tad on the twiglet side of sexy, but I’m sure a couple of cream buns apiece could rectify that. It’s just a shame that Heather Graham looks so bored or this would definitely have scored higher in the rankings.
In the mechanics of lesbian love scenes, creating the perfect all-female couple is like fine-tuning a top of the range Jaguar. It takes an elite science to find a person’s ideal counterpart, the ying to their yang so to speak. In Desert Hearts, the curly polished blonde meets choppy, cropped brunette covers all the bases. I’m not so sure about the presence of the Dyson sponsored Hoover-suction that becomes apparent towards the end of the kiss or indeed the chin nibbling, but they look (and sound) like they are enjoying it, so I’ll forgive them.
The things teenage girls do to entertain themselves these days. In my day, you’d play quietly with your My Little Pony or you’d get a clip round the ear-hole. Now it’s all drinking and sex, drugs, thievery and attention seeking. Sigh. What is the world coming to? Coquettish young things preying on each other for our entertainment? It’s no wonder Evan Rachel Wood is now humping that Manson chap in his music videos if she calls this “practice”.
Harring and Watts get top marks for open-mouthed passion, although this kiss does veer into trout-pout territory at times. There is also a lot of licking which I feel is completely unnecessary. When kissing, tongues are meant to stay inside, or in close proximity to the oral region, they are not to aim for the cheeks or look like they are trying to catapult themselves out of one’s face with a kamikaze leap. It’s the strongest muscle in the body, it should know better.
Look at those tongues go! Buffy takes the art of feminine flirtation and breaks it down into hard scientific chunks. Suddenly we hear “massage” and see live proof that preppy girls do it better. Though why Sarah Michelle Gellar is dressed as though she’s going to a funeral is beyond me. Maybe she’s finally in mourning for all those vampires she vaporized. Still, there is really no need for that hat.
For sheer gravity-defying, Denise Richards boob action, this takes the cake. It proves the point that nothing is better than a lesbian kiss, except maybe a lesbian kiss in a swimming pool, after a nasty slapping fight. Nothing says feisty like a bit of girl on girl fistycuffs. That’s why men are obsessed with ladies sleepover style pillow fights…and mud-wrestling. Fact. But remember boys, all this pleasure can be a double-edged sword – you only need to watch Blue’s epic death scene in Old School to see what I mean. Still, whilst our tickers are still in tact, all hail Denise and Neve!
Phew. Wait there. Just need to catch our breath. PHEW. So, now that you’ve taken a good gander at some of cinema’s best scenes of unbridled sapphic passion, make sure to check out Sally’s excellent review of the groundbreaking, tender and hilarious I Just Can’t Think Straight (or number 7 to those with short attention spans). Or head on over to an Interview with the Director for a genuinely fascinating discussion into how controversy, race and coming out dramatically affected the production of the film….