Top Five Ball-Busting Action Heroines
Hollywood loves to favour the delicate, feminine flowers. The ditzy girl-next-door types who couldn’t lift a gun for fear of breaking a nail, and have problems constructing a wardrobe that doesn’t involve the omnipresence of pastels and hot pink. It’s almost as though they’re trying to silently brainwash all men into favouring the air-head, the bimbo and the loose-legged cheerleader.
Well, screw that!
We at OTB think that a girl doesn’t have to be all bubblegum sweetness and heavenly light to be seductive, inspirational or noteworthy. And Sky Movies seem to agree – their recent survey to find the Ultimate Action Hero saw Sigourney Weaver beat Sly, Arnie and The Norris! So here’s to the ladies who measure their credentials on the size of their gun not the swell of their chest.
Colleen’s “Real” Women?! Pah – It’s time for OTB’s Tough Temptresses to wipe the floor with those pouty posers once and for all…
Well what would you do if your husband started to nickname you “Thunder Thighs” – sit back and take it? Or inject yourself with a muscle-enhancing concoction of steroids laced with a splash of botox and (to be read out in a gruffly satanic voice from the depths of Hell) MAKE HIM PAY!? Xenia is clearly a woman scorned, and wreaking her revenge on the whole of mankind. Not even Pierce Brosnan can begrudge her that.
RUBBISH ALTERNATIVE – GRACE JONES AS MAY DAY (A VIEW TO A KILL)
This woman is clearly a cyborg. Or the lovechild of Naomi Campbell and Kryten from Red Dwarf. Look at those Action Man Eagle Eyes and tell me she wasn’t fashioned from plastic in a Taiwanese factory and sprinkled with fairydust like a modern day Pinocchio. Freakish…but not exactly threatening.
Picture the scene. It’s 2033 and as you tickle the ears of your sexy mutant-kangaroo boyfriend, you’re only mildly panicked by the complete lack of water on your near apocalyptic, desert ridden planet. With the love of a good animal and a customised wrecking-tank idly waiting in the back yard, eager for its next mission to crush your oppressors, only Kesslee the holo-man could possibly ruin your moment of calm.
His constant attempts to pulverise you into chunky dogfood are getting old. So you decide to end this feud once and for all, swooping in on a parachute with both your flamethrower and rocket launcher, because let’s face it, it’s impossible to decide which you love more. After pinning him down, you pummel him with the line “I’m gonna hit you so hard, you’re children will be born bruised”, making me fall in love every time. Sigh…
RUBBISH ALTERNATIVE – HALLE BERRY AS CATWOMAN (CATWOMAN)
“Hot, black leather, whip?” No, no and no. Leave it to Michelle Pfieffer, Halle. Your over-enthusiastic purring makes me want to vom. Real women don’t need to sell out to look sexy. A sweaty vest and camouflage trousers are all you need. Nobody likes a try hard.
Films like Marley and Me would have you believe that dogs are all cute and fluffy fun-machines. The world over, they’re popularly known as man’s best friend. The operative word in the sentence there being “man”. It doesn’t mention anything about a fondness for women.
Though this hardly explains why the four legged fiends are out for Milla Jojovich’s blood (maybe she was a cat in a past life). This unique breed of zombie dog appears particularly angry; perhaps it’s miffed about being wrapped in Danish bacon, ready for some sort of Korean alternative on a Hog Roast.
Still Milla is unfazed and happy to toe-punt both zombie humans and canines with her steel-capped Doctor Martens boots. Which makes blowing out the brains of a bacon-dog army feel like nothing more than an arduous day at the office.
RUBBISH ALTERNATIVE – ANGELINA JOLIE AS LARA CROFT (TOMB RAIDER)
Thankfully Angelina proves that even one of the most beautiful women in the world can’t make a plait look good. In fact, no one above the age of twelve should attempt such a style. Don’t even get me started on her horrendous attempt at a Brit accent. She must have gone to Tara Palmer Tompinkson for vocal coaching.
Let’s face it, there are a lot of idiots in this world. If we were allowed to mow five down each day for the rest of our lives, we’d still be swamped in arrogant men compensating for their tiny… shoes, and beauty queens who think that Africa is a country. Sometimes it really does take the edge off the rage that interminably bubbles inside one’s soul if you just, you know, make like Mr T and smack a sucker about a bit.
Only if they deserve it, mind.
Michelle Rodriguez began her acting career in a movie that has seen her pigeonholed as a skull-crushing ladette ever since. In Girlfight Rodriguez plays a feisty female who uses boxing as a cheap alternative to anger management; from this point on Michelle has been famous for playing soldiers and other “manly” roles which have led many a tabloid to question her heterosexuality.
She was recently rumoured to have wielded a dildo in a fight with another unnamed woman, which can’t have helped the rumour mill. Still, we at OTB think Michelle should be left alone to do whatever she wants. As she says, “If I wanna f**k a girl, a boy, a dog—that’s my business”.
We’re not sure about the dog comment, but still…You go girl!
RUBBISH ALTERNATIVE – HILLARY SWANK AS MAGGIE FITZGERALD (MILLION DOLLAR BABY)
Don’t get me wrong, Million Dollar Baby is a cracker. But despite Hillary Swank’s continued ability to knock out the opposition with one punch, her goofy smile and Hicksville accent make her a far cry from Rodriguez in terms of the fear factor. For our Ball Busters – pant-wetting fear is key to forcing your opponent to submit and anyone who’s watched PS I Love You will know that Swank just doesn’t cut it.
If anyone can rock a John MacEnroe (translation: sweaty white girl fro) it’s Ms Weaver. Fifty seven years of hyper-sleep and she still makes the average male’s member shrivel up like a dry roasted peanut. After sending in the apparently tough marine-types to handle the satanic extra terrestrials the second time around, Ripley is yet again left to clean up their weepy baby-mess.
Boo Hoo, Bill Paxton, stop running around screaming like a sissy and grow some cajones. Or better still, step aside and let Big Sig show you how it’s done. As the clip above proves, it doesn’t matter how many mouths you have Queenie, put Weaver in an exosuit and she’ll smack the beejesus out of the lot of them.
Ripley’s dizzyingly high pedestal has left all other violent femmes scratching each others eyes out in the attempt to clamber atop their peers foreheads and leap towards it’s apex. Alas, Sigourney has been saving up a lifetime’s supply of Alien goo to blind them on their way up. Muhahahaha. The champion reigns supreme.
RUBBISH ALTERNATIVE – NATASHA HENSTRIDGE AS SIL (SPECIES)
Argh, gross! Natasha Henstridge fails to look like a scary alien beast, she just appears to have a touch of facial angioedema (that’s swelling to you and me), these aliens may be able to rip you apart with their pinky-claw but one nasty reaction to chlorine in a swimming pool and it all goes horribly wrong. Not so scary now are you Sil? Yet, she does make great use of the tentacle-silencing method. Girls, this is just the kind of clip to show to your man if he starts to pressurise you about ” deep throat”.
Did’ja like that? Were you scared? Turned on? A little of both? Sally was too. Which probably explains her hilarious, informative and brilliant run-down of the Top Ten Lesbian Movie Kisses. Not that she’s a lesbian. I’m not saying that’d be a problem, though. Oh Christ, I’ve lost my job, haven’t I? [sigh] Or if you’re still in the Easter mood, garner a gander at our list of other amazing WTF Resurrections (In TV and Film - that is).