Top Ten Sexiest Movie Strippers

May 7, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

Our social calendar at OTB is positively brimming. We have all sorts of cultural and religious events that we like to pay tribute to, in our own special way (fans of our Valentine’s Day, Paddy’s Day and Easter Tributes will know what I mean).

Today, we honour the humble bee-keeper on National Honey Week. We know that, after years of harvesting, being forced to wear those hideous suits and getting pricked more times than a pin cushion (steady on, we mean by the bees!) these are the “real men of genius” that those Yankee Budweiser ad’s harped on about.

And in similar honour of ‘Tenuous Link’ month, we’ve decided to celebrate their hard work by rewarding them (and you) with our own shortlist of Honeys. Smokin’ Hot Honeys, that is.

So, without further ado here are OTB’s Top Ten Sexiest Movie Strippers…

10. ELIZABETH BERKLEY – SHOWGIRLS






From Saved By The Bell to pole-licking and having a camp, ginger choreographer yell “Thrust it, Thrust it! THRUST IT!” in your face?! I bet poor, pube-headed, Elizabeth Berkley didn’t see that one coming.

Still for epic, gratuitous, full-frontal nudity Showgirls is every fifteen-year-old boy’s dream. After getting universally obliterated by the critics in 1995, receiving the “turkey” status that has since been matched only by J. Lo and Ben Affleck’s Gigli; cult fans (including Quentin Tarantino and the aforementioned fifteen-year-old boys) have championed Showgirls as a lesson in irony. Entertainment Weekly rating it at number 36 in their Top 50 Cult Movies and post-feminist types regularly indulge in Showgirls parties where they mock the film for it’s diabolical acting and script that might have been better off as toilet paper.

For us at OTB, that scene with Kyle Maclachlan (Charlotte’s impotent first hubby in Sex and The City) will forever hold a special place in our hearts, though probably for all the wrong reasons.

9. PAMELA ANDERSON – BARB WIRE





You can only imagine the advert that went out for the runner on this movie.

WANTED:
Sturdy male needed to help film crew with odd jobs (Eunuch preferred due to the high risk of occupational hazards/severe, repetitive trouser damage).
Duties include: spraying a famous blonde Baywatch bombshell with water (and only water), ducking when the aforementioned bombshell throws her razor sharp stiletto, avoiding use of the word “babe”.

The Pamela Anderson/Love Swing package should come with one of those warnings that they have at Thorpe Park. “YOU WILL GET WET! …. and may possibly get poked in the eye with a nipple… ENJOY!”

8.LINDSAY LOHAN – I KNOW WHO KILLED ME






Li-Lo has come a long way since bounding into our lives as the cute, freckly, ginger paragon of innocence in the Parent Trap. Since then she’s been through a lot, what with fending off rumours surrounding her weight, her dad and her relationships. So what better way to cast aside all the ups and downs of the past than with a bloody good strip scene? Sadly, it seems that the Holy Stripper Gods were not on her side. In a scene so dark you could be forgiven for thinking she might be scraping away at a coal face, she crawls to the front of the stage, plucks a cigarette from some unlucky punters fingers and, although I couldn’t make out what she did with it, when he gets it back he sniffs it like a hound on a fox hunt.

7. DEMI MOORE – STRIPTEASE






There’s no denying it, Demi Moore is so stunning she makes Madonna look like a mutant cyborg. I bet Ashton Kutcher wakes up every morning thinking he’s died and gone to heaven. Then again, he does have to host Punk’d; so it’s swings and roundabouts.

That said, Striptease was not Demi’s finest hour. Despite aptly displaying her stunning figure, I have several issues with this movie.

First off, the strip club that Moore’s character, Erin, works at is called the “Eager Beaver”. Now, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, but stereotypes dictate that a club so-named is sure to be full of toothless hags with boobs that scrape dust from the floor better than your average mop and muffs like molehills. The phrase “fur burger” also springs to mind. Secondly, where the hell do they even sell feather boa’s that long?

Still ten out of ten for effort.

6.JAMIE LEE CURTIS – TRUE LIES






In Halloween Jamie Lee Curtis’ character Laurie Strode harnesses her innate virgin power to fend off Michael Myers’ psychotic advances, finally triumphing in a victory for purity and goodness of evil.

A few years later and a bit more worldly wise, 35-year-old Lee Curtis is not so fortunate when having to deal with a perving, sweaty Arnie who clearly ‘just likes to watch’. Arnie’s Harry Tasker is an agent so secret that even his wife doesn’t know. What he doesn’t know, however, is that he’s been missing out on some really good lap dances all these years from his secretly smokin’ wife.

5. KIM BASINGER – 9½ WEEKS






Modern day try-too-hard starlets could learn a thing or two from Old Lady Basinger. It’s hard to believe it’s been over twenty years since Mickey Rourke used her as a repository for all the past it’s sell-by-date food in his fridge, yet she still looks the model of effervescent beauty. And therein lies her charm; at first glance Basinger looks like butter wouldn’t melt on her midriff, yet one flick of her tousled blonde locks and it’s Hello Sex Kitty.

4.JESSICA ALBA – SIN CITY






Walking in to Kadie’s bar, Willis’ character Hartigan muses, “A dead end; Nancy wouldn’t have anything to do with a pack of drunks and losers like this.” Guess again sonny-Jim. Not only has skinny little Nancy Callaghan, grown up and filled out, but she’s gyrating on the stage like a thrupenny ho. Alba won over 90 per cent of the male population with this dance routine involving a lasso and a pair of leather chaps – something the Village People spent years trying, yet ultimately failing, to achieve.

3.MARISA TOMEI – THE WRESTLER

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Surely the profile of the best stripper reads as follows:-
– Huge fan of Eighties hair metal
– Eclectic wardrobe choices (Note Cassidy’s top/string vest that gives ample all-angles viewing of both nipple rings. Cha-ching!)
– Olympic-standard gymnastic abilities (Putting both legs behind your head may look weird, but flexibility comes at a premium)
– Hard-on-inducing stage name

Lady Gaga, Diablo Cody and Marisa Tomei all comply with the above list. Coincidence? I think not.

2.NATALIE PORTMAN – CLOSER






Ahh Natalie, the thinking person’s piece of ass. Not only is she a gorgeous and talented actress, but she also has a Psychology degree from Harvard, and boasts a short-lived, yet hardcore rap career courtesy of Saturday Night Live.

As Alice/Jane in Closer, Portman’s spot-on, aloof mystery is entrancing. She ridicules Clive Owen (or Mr. “I’m So Wooden, I’m Practically A Tree”) to the point of tears, which only serves to make me love her even more. With her baby pink wig and beaded tassle-top Portman is the definition of the word “siren”, not to mention the references to the ambrosia-like tasty treat in her pants.

Even weepy Clive Owen can’t ruin this clip for me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-eat.

1.SALMA HAYEK – FROM DUSK TIL DAWN






Not since the Garden of Eden has a snake seemed so seductive, than when draped around Salma Hayek’s neck during a dance routine that brings the normally boisterous Titty Twister to a complete standstill in Tarantino’s From Dusk Till Dawn. Displaying better serpent-handling skills than the late Aussie madman Steve Irwin, Hayek charms her prey before the slaughter begins.

Could it be mere coincidence that Hayek’s character heads straight for writer Tarantino’s character and enacts every man’s fantasy: a lap dance involving beer? Surely he couldn’t have abused his privileges as writer and included that scene for his own gratification? Surely he’s more professional… of course he did.

Sally McIlhone and Jack McKay

Fortunately for you lucky readers OTB isn’t a genuine gentleman’s establishment. Anywhere else and you’d have been bullied into spending £600 on a bottle of fizzy wine then frogmarched to a cash machine for the rest of your savings. Aren’t we good to you? And if even that doesn’t satisfy your girly action requirement for the day you can check out our The Top Ten Lesbian Movie Kisses rundown for more saucy lip action than an all you can eat Chinese buffet! Or for those of you with more specialist tastes, have a butchers at our 10 Confusing Sexy Sci-Fi Crushes.

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