Who Wants To Milk A Slumdog Millionaire?

May 29, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

who-wants-to-milk-a-slumdog-millionaireThe phrase ‘too much of a good thing’ is not one you will often hear a producer utter.

So long as a show keeps on churning out the readies, they’re pretty much happy to take on the role of Scrooge McDuck and swim about in a pool of money leaving the business of editorial integrity to the Huey, Dewey, and Louies of the world.

With this in mind, the success of Slumdog Millionaire isn’t just going to pass by like a bad smell. Right now, in a boardroom somewhere, executive types will be sat round a table looking at a spider diagram that reads ‘sequel… how?’ It can only be a matter of time before we see more quiz shows hitting the big screen.

Next time you are at the cinema prepare to see a trailer starring Noel Edmonds with the tagline ‘One man, one question, 22 identical boxes’.

But how about thinking outside the box (no pun intended) and turning films into game shows? Just look at the potential.


What could be a simpler concept for family audiences to enjoy on a Saturday evening? Convicts run for their lives through a series of deadly obstacles including squirrel chewing maniacs who use weapons such as modified, razor-sharp hockey sticks to try and stop their adversaries reaching the finish line.

Hosted by – Ant and Dec (So no phone voting for your favourite convict).

Yes, Arnie. His forehead really IS that big.

Yes, Arnie. His forehead really IS that big.

Time slot – Prime-time Saturday Night.

Pros – Makes Gladiators look like a game for spandex loving fairy boys.

Cons– Health and safety are going to want to check out weapons such as titanium steel chainsaws for signs of rusting, if nothing else.


This film was made for the quiz show spin off.

Contestants take turns to work their way round a board, killing time by fending off dangerous jungle creatures and insane, localised weather conditions. The current climate is the perfect time for this show to debut, teaching viewers the reality of climate change and more importantly, the harsh truth behind choosing the wrong board game. Why would you ever look past Buckaroo?

Hosted by – Who was that guy from the Really Wild Show? (Ed: Michaela Strachan?) ‘Reason for existence’ springs to mind.

Time Slot – Looking at kid’s television here, budget for gunge. And possibly Andy Peters.

A World Run By Terry Nutkins

A World Run By Terry Nutkins

Pros – Unpredictable entertainment. And possibly Andy Peters.

Cons – Would leave entire towns devastated and introduce wildlife into uninhabitable environments.


You only get one shot at this game, quite literally.

Contestants are flown to an exotic island, looked after like royalty by a little fella dressed in an adorable butler suit before being thrown into a fun house style room where you square up against the island’s tenant with just one bullet in each of your provided guns.

Think Crystal Maze but with permanent lock ins. The winner gets a lease to the island and the adorable little butler to make cocktails.

Host – Chris Tarrant could build up the suspense with his clever knack of stating the obvious. Lines such as ‘Is that your final bullet?’ would be abundant.

Go on Tarrant. Just you try cutting to a break.

Go on Tarrant. Just you try cutting to a break.

Time Slot – Not quite as challenging as Countdown but still has that tea-time feel to it.

Pros – You can win an island! You don’t see Anne Robinson giving out islands.

Cons – Someone shooting their load too early would lead to an awkward forty five minutes worth of television.


Big Brother with a creepy, twins on tricycles twist. Contestants are sent to an abandoned hotel with one of them being a wildcard, axe wielding maniac. The aim of the game is to guess who the killer is before you end up being chased through the world’s largest registered maze which includes two A roads, four Burger King franchises and a shopping outlet.

Hello Big Brother House, this is Fiona. You're live on national television, please do not swear

Hello Big Brother House, this is Fiona. You're live on national television, please do not swear.

No diary room but a freaky old hag in a bathtub will happily listen to any problems you may have (Davina McCall, then).

Host – Difficult one this, but overall Fiona Bruce should probably get the nod. That way you could save a bit on budget and give her the bathtub role as well.

Time Slot – When you’ve got Shining24, Big Johnny’s Little Johnny and the Shine-online, who needs a time slot?!

Pros – A real life Cluedo will reward viewers with bragging rights if they guess the psycho before anybody else.

Cons – No one wants to help the Daily Star sell papers. Unfortunately though, this will just be another Z-list celebrity goldmine.


Perhaps a little unexpected but if celebrities insist on ice skating, ballroom dancing, charity football matches and throwing themselves at walls for Dale Winton then they can damn well play basketball as well.

The concept is simple; a group of disgusting looking aliens get ‘all up in earths face’ and we lay down the law with some whacked up ball moves and ‘sick’ dunks sending them back to whatever crappy patch of the universe they came from. There needs to be one condition here though, which must be stuck to at all costs.

“To vote to keep Peaches in just dial 0800 666 666”

“To vote to keep Peaches in just dial 0800 666 666”

No one can let Vanessa Feltz play.

Host – John Fashanu – having worked with both sport stars and Ulrika Jonsson – has experience dealing with contestants and aliens.

Time slot – What better time to watch minor celebrities beat weird looking aliens than when you’re tucking into a Domino’s on a Saturday night? Remember, it’s the one celebrity show on TV where you won’t have to look at Vanessa Feltz.

Pros – If Hole in the Wall can justify a television slot then so can this.

Cons – Alien expenses could be an issue, and whatever they get you just know the mooching celebrities will want the same.

Craig Woods

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  1. shorely says:

    >> “Who was that guy from the Really Wild Show?”
    Terry Nutkins!