Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus Review: Craptacular
Internet memes are the thinking man’s kryptonite.
Please bear in mind that the following are some of the most viewed things not only across the internet, but in the entire Shakespeare/Mozart/Arrested Development producing world.
That fat ‘nooma nooma’ kid (whose resemblance to Jabba the Hut was infinitely funnier than his dance), the ‘Why won’t you leave Britney aloooone’ Julian Clary/Avril Lavigne bastardised transsexual mutant, and the ‘dramatic chipmunk’ which was about as funny as attending a Holocaust remembrance ceremony as compered by Jim Davidson.
Hyped up and regularly beyond irritating, it’s safe to say I’m wary of web-based phenomena.
Yet just a few months back, an otherwise mind-numbing office email circulated a link to a trailer with a title too good to be true: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.
And you know what? Despite the plethora of ‘YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS – LOL ROFL OMG!!!’ forwarded emails we get daily, pretty much everyone here at OTB got excited.
We mean, sure, it was guaranteed to be rubbish. But just how crappy are we looking at?
The inspirationally ‘so crap it’s actually amazing’ classic to finally beat Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead? Crap in a niche, cult, ’20 people dress up as it at conventions’ kind of way? Or just festering, puerile, brain-dross crap?
As much as it pains me to say it, it falls somewhere between the last two.
Admitting it has a plot is not only a slap in the face of struggling scriptwriters everywhere, it’s a poo-smeared, phlegm-spittled double handed one.
A Mega Shark and a Giant Octopus awake from a block of ice and a millenia old battle. Crappy CGI and hilarious speech impediments ensue.
The acting makes G.I. Joe look like Citizen Kane, and the special effects look like they’ve been made with pipecleaner, toilet rolls and blutac, but it still manages to entertain in the moments where its cheerily budget production values come unapologetically failing onto the screen.
It’s going for the B-movie schlocky style of the 50s, and succeeds. Ish.
Laugh! as the 3 CGI scenes are used over and over again – only in reverse, slowed down or sped up!
Gasp! as you spot the glaringly mistimed holes in sound design and hideous special effects!
Fit! to the never-ending flash quick-cuts and volatile zoom-ins.
Wet yourself! to the ‘science’ montages that manage to combine the Murder She Wrote score with the Mad Science ads from your youth.
It’s a film constructed by a 1st year film student (that’s primary school year one), and noteworthy for the fact that it’s the only thing I’ve ever seen that can make you feel hungover even if you haven’t been drinking.
Want to get a slamming headache, woozy disorientated feeling and an inexplicably dirty, guilty sensation? Have we got the film for you.
The thing is, if you sit down to watch a film like this, you know what you’re getting and you’re a fool to believe that they didn’t spent the entire movie budget on the trailer. And, much to my cerebral chargrin, it has a relentlessly silly enthusiasm that coerces you into enjoying it whether you like it or not.
At the end of the day, it’s no classic, or even B-Movie classic, but any movie that manages to save the day by replicating the smell of a megolodon shark’s vagina, gets a pass mark in our book.
And while we’re on the subject, why not check out our list of Movie Monster Fight-Offs (That Are Crapper Than You Think)…..