Movie Kids We Wish We’d Known At School (And Those We Didn’t)
After the release of Imagine That, we were going to write a great little feature about the rise and fall of Eddie Murphy, but like the great man himself we found ourselves severely stuck for inspiration.
As we sat with deeply furrowed brows we realised giving the comedian another bashing was about as pointless as flogging a pot of glue, and thus we inspirationally decided to side-step the issue of Murphy’s demise like a Sunday morning jogger hopping over a splurge of kebab-vomit.
That is why this article will be focusing solely on five movie juveniles that everyone wishes they had been mates with, and one set of kids that would probably have ruined your life.
Humble beginnings – where the hell would Hollywood be without them?
Ditto Roald Dahl, as pretty much every one of his characters might as well have come straight from the workhouse. In real life, poverty-stricken Charlie Bucket would probably have had an ASBO.
But we digress.
The truth of the matter is that even before he got his hands on that much-feted candy establishment, Charlie would have been a great pal for anyone to have.
But it can’t be denied that the school holidays would have been much better once he was the head of a bon-fide chocolate empire.
We would have helped him quell the Oompa-Loompa rebellions, lose weight during his teenage years and fight the inevitable court case against Jamie Oliver.
Every seventeen-year-old knows that if your parents are foolish enough to leave you at home when they go away on holiday, a certain chain of events is inevitable:
Awesome party – visit from police – destroyed house – grounding – reputation as legend at college.
However for a group of eight year-olds the possibilities would have been even more exciting, which is why it would have been great to be little Kevin McCallister’s friend over the Christmas holidays of 1990.
And to think that those parenting novices left him behind again a couple of years later!
Mamma and pappa McCallister may have been forgetful, but they never chucked their son out from a plane with a dingy instead of a parachute.
It’s safe to say that although Indiana Jones was probably the best archaeologist ever, he was also the worst babysitter ever.
From the evidence we’ve seen, the swashbuckler didn’t even send Short Round to school, let alone attend a parents evening. Suffice to say, our little Chinese friend had an upbringing which would have made living in the Fun House with Pat Sharp seem boring.
We think that Dr Jones could have done with a few more youngsters to lend him a hand during his quest to bring down the Indian temple-Scientologists, and we would have jumped at the chance.
To be honest any of the lads from Stand By Me would have been good fun, after all they were kids who chain-smoked and decided to walk across Oregon because there was nothing good on TV.
But Teddy Duchamp was the pick of the lot – he was like a 14 year-old James Dean.
Unpredictable, ferocious and quick-witted, this boy was a torrent of entertainment and we loved him for it. (“The pile of s**t has a thousand eyes.”) Unfortunately that junk-yard man never saw things the same way.
In his heyday Corey Feldman could make a character work on more levels than any of the adults on set, which was handy really because Teddy was a funny but troubled kid.
If you were one of the brighter pupils at Mos Espa Junior School, it probably wouldn’t have escaped your attention that one of your mates was amazing at everything.
Anakin Skywalker may have spent much of his time muttering about something he called a ‘death star’ – whatever one of those was – but we all remember how it was to be young and idealistic.
Being the pod-racing Formula 1 champion would also have made for some entertaining Sunday afternoons, and his ability to build slightly camp robots would always have been useful.
Sadly, in our absence the ambitious scamp was left with no-one to talk to but Jar-Jar Binks – which might explain why he turned into such an angry young man in later years.
Although it might have looked like a laugh for about five minutes, behaving in a manner that would make Keith Richards feel embarrassed is no way to pass your GCSEs.
From an early stage it’s pretty obvious that this group of children from the big apple were unable to fit exams into a tight schedule of punch-ups and orgies.
And that’s without even considering their World Record attempt for drug use.
We at OTB are anything but a bunch of geeks – indeed we are allowed to stay out until 10pm most weekends – but in our view these are the kind of mates that probably would have destroyed most of your childhood dreams.
Still at least you would have got laid.
Pity about the HIV though.
You’ve got to feel sorry for those Kids, but its not all down to the drugs. Check out our guide to how Hollywood tried its best to spoil our childhood….