5 Kung Fu Heroes Who Were Unaware Of Their Bodacity

October 22, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

Just like Che Guevara, kung fu will never go out of fashion, and the new Ong Bak film should introduce us to several fresh techniques in the fight against oppressive henchmen everywhere.

Picking holes in the storyline seems to be as pointless as questioning Rocky’s training methods and any plot discrepancies are pretty easy to sidestep after you see a man backflip from an elephant to clothesline some poor villager.

However as Thailand’s favourite ninja knows only too well, some people are born for kung fu, others have kung-fu forced upon them.

This is OTB’s tribute to the movie heroes who didn’t realise they had it in them…

Kung Fu Panda

If Jack Black is right, and it is possible for someone to be blinded by over-exposure to pure awesomeness, then Po’s mates won’t need to head to the laser clinic just yet.

But as you can see from this scintillating video, he has high aspirations.


The Goose Boxer

When a humble goose farmer begins a quest for revenge after his stall is trashed by ninja ruffians, the results are suitably comical.

Not only does he end up tracking them down, but he invents his own fighting style which resembles, yes you’ve guessed it – a goose.

If the producers saved money on the script-writing, they certainly didn’t spend it on the choreography. Goosey is nowhere near connecting with that headbutt – we’d hate to see the scenes which ended up on the cutting-room floor.

Lloyd Christmas

We’ve all fantasised about Jackie Channing our way out of an altercation with some stella fuelled yobs, but Lloyd Christmas has more chivalrous aspirations.

And let’s face it – he’s got a decent punch on him.

Bring on Seabass!

Hong Kong Phooey

Apparently fed up with the crime levels in the hood, Penry Pooch, the mild-mannered janitor decided to take crime-fighting into his own paws and clean up the streets with a strange brand of vigilante justice.

Despite being a complete martial arts novice, Penry quickly masters the ancient disciplines with the help of The Hong Kong Book of Kung Fu, and of course Spot the cat.

It’s a good job that he does because this police department seems to need all the help it can get.

Although Penry/Phooey appears to be the only talking mutt in the entire city, no one at the station ever connects the two identities.

Beverly Hills Ninja

Most films which begin with a prophecy about an infant have pretty predictable outcomes.

After a series of montages, the child prodigy achieves his/her potential in a climactic face-off with some antagonist.

Unfortunately for this particular clan of ninjas, the baby that gets washed up on the banks of their local river is a chunky lad with less talent for kung-fu than the people in that famous internet video.

Sean Marland

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  1. clive says:

    Ha ha. that goose boxer is utterly ridiculous. thankyou for bringing that to my attention.