5 Horror Movie Survival Rules

November 26, 2009 by  
Filed under - Home, Features

scared-9249300x210In case you hadn’t heard, the scariest mother fudging film of the decade is released this week (Wednesday 25th November – Paranormal Activity).

While it’s a masterclass in tension ratcheting, spinechilling scares and general poop yourself frights, it also falls prey to the traditional horror film trappings; stupid people doing stupid things that inevitably result in their messy (well-deserved) demises.

In honour and celebration, we’ve decided to let you know what NOT to do if you ever get visited by a spook!

1. Do NOT invite a priest in the house to exorcise your demon (He WILL die) (Exorcist)

The rule to end all rules!

If you're stupid enough to attack THAT, you've got it coming

If you're stupid enough to attack THAT, you've got it coming

Although it may seem like it’s in your best interest to invite the local cleric around for a cup of chai and a quick exorcism, things will get worse before those demons are finally booted out! See The Exorcist as an example; not only is Father Merrin trapped in a room with no way out, told to leave in a language not expected from a little white girl (no, not Urdu) and spat at, he is launched from the third story of a house and splattered across the pavement.

2. Do NOT let your child cycle around a hotel on his own or talk to strange people with telepathic powers (Shining)

Not only do the Torrences in The Shining show us what not to do when living in a possessed hotel but it also teaches us valuable parenting lessons, like not leaving your child to their own devices.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but axes will never.... oh.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but axes will never.... oh.

Little Danny not only cycles relentlessly around an empty hotel on his own, running into the apparitions of dead twins and hallways filled with gushing blood, but he also gets involved with the telepathic groundskeeper. A standard upbringing for some, but it soon contributes towards his father’s murderous rampage. It does at least tell us that hiding in a maze, whilst it is snowing, is a good way to avoid being stabbed.

3. Do NOT let your child watch the TV alone late at night (Poltergeist)

A second entry for bad-parenting-skills-in-a-horror-film as the Freeling family allow their daughter stay up to all hours watching static on the small screen. They learn the hard way as their little daughter becomes the focus of a bizarre haunting. It even leads to her poor brother being snatched from his bed by a possessed tree whilst she is sucked into the TV.

Save money on nannies. Grab a possessed TV today!

Save money on nannies. Grab a possessed TV today!

This should be a lesson to all, and confirms everything our mothers told us: do not stay up so late and do not stare so close to the TV!

4. Do NOT play what’s the time Mr Wolf with ghostly apparitions (Orphanage)

Probably the most dumb move to play with the paranormal – don’t play a game which involves facing your face towards a wall whilst ghouls calmly advance towards you.

The lovechild of Worzel Gummidge & Lady Gaga

The lovechild of Worzel Gummidge & Lady Gaga

In fact the whole film is littered with games we would rather not play with the dead including calling in the local paranormal investigators who decide to do something we strongly advise against and can be found on point 5!

5. Do NOT try to record it on a video camera (Paranormal)

The whole film is a checklist of what NOT to do to in order to pacify an unwanted spirit visitor. Not only does our lead openly taunt the unseen poltergeist but he also ignores the advice of the local medium and actively tries to talk to it via that trusty medium, the ouiji board.

Blankets = terrifying

Blankets = terrifying

But the dumbest move is the films entire premise: they filmed it on a video camera! We all know that most ghouls are shy retiring folk who hate their pasty complexion ousted on camera! But with this haunting, the ghost may WANT an audience as well as a format to show off an extraordinary finale!

StumbleUpon It!