The Last Song Review: Please Let That Be True..

April 27, 2010 by  
Filed under - Home, Film Reviews


lastsong300THE LAST SONG (PG): On General Release Friday 30th April

If you think Hollywood doesn’t have a responsibility to our youth then you’re wrong. In a world where televisions are more effective parents than, well, parents – the lurid, 2D starlets that adorn the cinema screen ought to fit some kind of respectable mould for our doomed Paris Hilton wannabe brats.

Miley Cyrus is one of the most famous stars in America and reaches out to millions of confused teenagers the world over. If you’re 14 and love boys and shopping, you’re going to listen to this pixellated, perfectly airbrushed encapsulation of everything you perceive to be good in the world over your tired, boring mother whose interests include arguing with your father and asking you to do meaningless tasks.

If Last Song is some form of template with which Miley Cyrus is asking her audience to measure their lives, then everything’s messed. The script tries to crowbar in messages of selflessness and earthy morals, but the irony of this when measured with millionaire Miley is absurd. Furthermore, there are absolutely no redeeming characters in Last Song’s fake world of exaggerated emotions, and twee ups and downs. Her brother is the most annoying blob of youth I have ever encountered and her father is a sickeningly perfect drawing of a caring American dad. Oh look, he makes stain glass windows and plays the piano! Come to the north of England Miley, go to Salford and see what dads are really like.

Clearly, Miley Cyrus’ films are designed as some horribly thought-out advert for her disgustingly shallow career. For this reason I’m bemused as to why teenagers relate to her. In this movie she’s a confused selfish brat who creates for herself a clichéd Maroon 5 authored love scenario whilst being vile to her father. No wonder teenagers turn into nightmarish brats – it’s Miley Cyrus’s fault. It’s all her fault.

At the point of the fourth mind-numbingly obvious sunny-day-everything’s-ok-we’re-all-in-love plot twist, I was trying to restrain myself from leaving. Life isn’t like this. Little surprise the vast majority of young girls cast wild projections of some imagined future of false hopes and lost dreams. It’s this film – packed full of every teen cliché imagined, in teeth-whitened HD.

I just wanted the blonde-haired jock turned nice guy Miley’s character was pathetically falling in love with to give her an STD or something. Or maybe the restaurant she works for back home to ring and say she needs to be in on Monday because she needs to clean the men’s bog.

What’s more, the musical element of the film is nothing more than a desperate afterthought. The idea that music unites her and her cancer-ridden father, the only tool through which they can speak, is lost in a shiny, bikini clad, shaped eyebrow, six pack maze of Miley’s utterly unrealistic and narcissistic clamouring.

Watch Last Song if you feel like being compelled to smash things up with a plug flex, but just make sure you don’t show this film to impressionable teen girls. It’s ruinous bile for an increasingly hysterical generation.

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  1. Lexi lynn, jamanamaneena, & suzy Q says:

    will you marry me???????????? You are amazingly hilarious!!!!!!! Even though I did like that movie. I am soooooooooooo sick of miley cyrus. she is to blame for; bad fashion, asian carp invading the rivers, asians in general, old people having to wear diapers, having sex at age 12, getting pregnant at 13, having fake boobs at 14, having quadruplets at 50,thanks for the over crowding b****!! alcoholics, drug adicts, WWII, penguins dying, polar bears dying, and SHAMOO dying, old men and women balding, and u know what? shes to blaim for heath ledgers death too, hell, probably is the one who caused curt kobain to blow out his brains, thanks for ruining good music. Also for the earthquake in haiti, and all over you dumb nugget. and for chuck noris getting old, .also her mom was the producer of this movie so that’s the only reason she got the part. your editorial made my day.Love, Jamanamaneena
    I didnt see the movie, nor do i want to becasue i really do not like this girl, she is waaaayyyy too full of herself. you are quite funny my friend, and reading this made me smile very….very very…very much. i do not like any Miley Cirus movie, nor have even bothered to wach her show… your review is very truthful, i blaim her for global warning, the world coming to an ending in 2012, the economic crisis (even though she spends all her money on clothes, shoes, and money to feed her fat face), the dying of panda bears, the dying out of rock n roll and punk, that most kids smoke pot, commit suicide (i blaim her for all lost souls), and that lady gaga is a man!!!! she has caused our whole world to be obeses, overweight, very fat, very depressed, and very angry. She has made us all bad seeds, so you Miley Cirus, can go die. -thank you very much, xoxo, Lexi Lynn
    This movie was one of the best movies that I have seen in a long time. I was FIGHTING the urge to cry. And, so what, this may be just a huge fantasy, but its a MOVIE!!! Not to argue with the fact that Miley is a *sensored*.. Because she is.. AT THIS POINT.. I LIKE HANNAH MONTANA BETTER! Just kidding(: I hate them both.. WITH A PASSION! But…. This movie was really good and the dude was hot.. But not as hot as Taylor Lautner.. So EAT IT! And.. if you wanna talk smack about Miley… Go ahead.. But don’t diss the movie Mr. Youmademyday (: Thanks; Suzy Q(:

  2. lexi lynn, jamanamaneena, & suzy Q says:

    and roadkill.