The 10 Best Things To Come Out Of Sweden
With Swedish hit The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest released this weekend, we realised that we had plenty of things to thank our European cousins for beside subtitled movie trilogies. Apart from the cult of Stieg Larsson, what else have the Swedes done for us? We’re glad you asked..
Two blonde finely toned Scandinavian vixens rubbing each other down after a sauna (I have never seen this…honest) really is quite easy on the eye. But beware, Hagar the Horrible can take take the gloss off copulation.
They may have sexy bodies, a fantastic healthcare system and a great diet, but the Swedes get a little peeky in winter. At one point of the year, it stays dark for 24 hours a day and they can’t drown their sorrows, as beer costs eight pounds a pint. So in the winter the Swedes flock to sunnier climbs. Go to any beach in Thailand and you can admire the magnificence of the Swedish form without having to resort to thermals.
Norway may have claimed all the credit for bringing us the biggest hooligans of the Medieval world, but they stole the idea from their Scandanavian brethren. Without these infamous tourists, we would not have built the longest lasting cultural legacy the UK has ever witnessed; the faint smell of excrement when you walk past theJorvik Viking centre. I think you will agree that this gift to the UK was worth all that pillaging.
As a man of science, I think that to truly appreciate the Swedish we need to compare and contrast our club scene with theirs. I believe pictures paint a thousand words, so please take a look at this link. As a Geordie, it makes me proud to know that we can hold our own against our Scandinavian cousins.
Having mellowed over the centuries, the Swedes are now adept at dodging a fight, but manage to do it without looking soft like the French. They just go “hey we are neutral ya”, jump in an ice bath and everyone leaves them alone. After all, no one fancies being pillaged again! There were a few rumours of Nazi collusion, but I think that was spread by the jealous Norwegians.
Like his fore-fathers, Sven came to the UK to plunder the nation of it’s riches and have sex with whoever he damn well wanted. However unlike his distant savage relations, the women actively encouraged it. Without doubt the most successful Viking invasion, since Ivar the Boneless in 865. (Insert generic bone joke of choice here..)
Okay so nobody in their right mind would buy a Nokia or an Ericsson these days, But the Swedish had a virtual monopoly on the mobile phone market for a decade. All the drunken late night texts to your ex…that was their fault.
At a party, if you want to avoid committing yourself to an awkward conversation with a potentially very weird stranger, always bring up alphabet manipulaters ABBA. They might be awesome, but there’s a time and place for everything. If your new acquaintance replies “yeah I love cheese”, direct them to the nearest delicatessen, walk away and continue with your evening.
Before IKEA arrived on our shores, the only chance we woodwork fools had of creating our own wardrobe came in the clunky form of a flatpack from MFI. And much like you’re haphazard creation, the sole way of making that wardrobe last for more than a week was to physically stand there and hold it up. Now we have been domestically empowered..
They came, they saw, they rodgered. These two may as well have come over on a long boat, eating raw flesh, wearing seal skins and beating a drum. I don’t think there is a human (possibly even an animal) that has not had a “sexy” thought about one or both of these…