Tulisa’s Sex Tape Review: Can Six Minutes Revive A Flagging Genre?

March 20, 2012 by  
Filed under - Home, Features, Film Reviews

On Limited Release Monday 19th March

If you’re a celebrity, especially a female one, there’s never going to be any shortage of “fans” who want to see you engaged in all kinds of amorous activity.

Can you honestly say that you would have been aware of professional media whore Kim Kardashian  or John Leslie knob-polisher Abi Titmuss had they not been captured on film bumping uglies?  Or that vapid heiress and mannequin impersonator Paris Hilton or itinerant beachwear enthusiast Pamela Anderson would have received quite the attention they did had they not flashed their bits at a handy camera?

Can Tulisa’s effort rejuvenate a flagging genre whose last major “entry” seems to be when planet-boobed glamour model Jordan took it to “Another Level” with Dane Bowers?

On the plus side Tulisa seems to be enjoying herself.  She smiles, makes eye contact as she teases and is obviously having a good time.  Something which seems sadly missing from many celebrity videos is a sense of actual pleasure – Jordan looks bored and mechanistic, like C3PO stuck on “shag”; Paris Hilton shows less interest in sex than the shop window dummy she often appears to be.

There’s no word on who the “cameraman” might be but apparently it’s not her ex-boyfriend and ex-band mate Fazer (who must have watched way too much Star Trek at an impressionable age).  Cock identification not being a key skill here at On The Box, we had to call in an expert to verify this (one of the lovely girls in our office) but apparently the skin tone of said member doesn’t match up.

Who he is probably won’t stay a secret for long but for an amateur he displays quite a lot of skill with decent framing and lighting and even a few unexpected camera angles.  Granted it’s not something that Emmanuel Lubezki’s going to be worried about but team him up with a good indie script writer like Max Landis and we might have a bona fide future talent on our hands.

Sadly, what starts well eventually becomes repetitive, and without any significant characterisation, it’s really hard to care about our point-of-view protagonist.  What are his hopes? His dreams? His motivations?

But as initial excitement turns to boredom, it becomes clear that it’s not just a tawdry bit of fun that Tulisa will come to regret but a canny satire of the uni-directionality of modern consumer culture.  We as viewers are always anonymous, forever consuming but never really participating – could there ever be a better metaphor for the state of British television?  The fact that it ends without a satisfying climax is surely more evidence for proof of that interpretation.

There’s a briefly diverting subplot in which Tulisa’s nipple makes a brief appearance, but it’s a tragically neglected and unresolved plot arc which ultimately comes to nothing.

Unfortunately, it’s not likely to see mainstream release, Tulisa having put out a gagging order (something which certainly wasn’t needed at time of filming) in place to prevent its distribution (which won’t stop thousands of P2P scamps from uploading it to their networks). Catch it while you can folks.

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  1. Claire says:

    YOu are a perv, people should be allowed to make sex tapes if they want. ITS A FREE COUNTRY

  2. Charmaine says:


    dis bitch is amazing, best tits ever

  3. Necoi says:

    I want her to face sit me

  4. Steve says:

    I can quite clearly see a penis which has been badly censored in the image.

  5. buckle says:

    should rename the site “on the cock”

    with steve’s comment in mind you can know what the film version will be called
    tulisa and the case of the badly censorsed cock