Six Ways Mean Girls Can Help Lindsey Lohan Revive Her Career

November 23, 2012 by  
Filed under Features

With a drug habit that’s kept Colombia farming and “exhaustion” issues that would knock out an insomniac, Lindsay Lohan has been in and out of the news for the worst of reasons over the last few years.

But according to The Insider she’s planning to give up all her extra-curriculars to focus on her career.

Regrettably, Lindsay has already emptied the PR stunt handbook with her attempts to keep her profile up whilst her actual career couldn’t:

Image change? Check
Eating disorder? Check
“Accidental” public nudity? Check
Pool party lesbianism? Check
Jail time? Check
Posed for Playboy? Check
Drug and alcohol problems? Check
Fallen out with parents? Check
Spend time in rehab? Check

But Hollywood loves nothing more than a comeback: from ‘The Town’ helping Ben Affleck kill off all memories of ‘Gigli’ to Mel Gibson’s unfunny “Life of Brian” remake – a former star is just one big hit away from re-found fame. Or one DUI rant away from TMZ infamy.

So she’s just going to have to do it the old fashioned way: life advice through ‘Mean Girls’ quotes.

“I know it may look like I was being like a bitch, but that’s only because I was acting like a bitch.”
1. Blame everything on her ‘evil’ sister – “Honestly, it was my British twin. That grotsky little biatch just jealous because she hasn’t worked since Parent Trap.”

“Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”
2. Leave Commando to Arnie – Serious actresses only expose themselves on film. And never give away firecrotch for free.

“Look, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I only date women of colour. “
3. Match the carpet with the curtains – Lindsay’s currently getting about as much sympathy as an adopted red headed step-child, but the Christina Hendricks example – cleavage and doe eyed optimism – is a surefire winner.

“Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It’s not going to happen!”
4. Step away from the bong – Hot mess? Grool. Trainwreck? Not fetch. When your consumption rivals Amy Winehouse, you’ll only get a posthumous career boost.

“At your age, you’re going to have a lot of urges. You’re going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get Chlamydia…and die.”
5. Stop hanging out with Calum Best, Wilmer Velderamma, Sam Ronson, Stavros Niarchos, James Blunt, Josh Chunn – Because you will get Chlamydia…and die.

“Made out with a hot dog? Oh my God that was one time!”
6. Career focus – Unless you’re auditioning for Celebrity Rehab! stop courting TMZ. Or at least follow Britney’s example and start dating a pap so she can split the fees.

Nick Arthur

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